Pressure of the soul to be expressed

Turned 80, now what? Could not have imagined being here for this long! I came to terms with the impermanence of my existence during my cancer journey, which was its own journey. The major turning point occurred during a transcendent voyage when I confronted my terror of even directly asking the question: am I going to die of this disease?

I asked the question.

I waited for the reply.

After what felt like a very long silence I heard a very gentle, compassionate voice say to me "of course you are going to die." Surprisingly I felt a wave of relief wash through me. The churn I had been feeling settled. My immediate thought was "yes, that is a fact of life, but you haven't said when." I was then bathed in an astoundingly beautiful field of loving for an extended period of time. That was 9 years ago.

What I am encountering now is a different question: not whether I am going to die, but how to meet my aliveness!

I recall that when I was young turning 30 was unimaginable. I barely noticed old people and then dismissing them as somehow extraneous when I did. I shake my head a bit with the recognition that I am now them and that I've been alive for more than 80 years.

I was just driving through Gabriola Island’s tunnel of dense forest between our village and my lovely house in the woods, having sat outside our thrift shop drinking cappuccino and eating ice cream, talking and laughing with a delightful friend and some young folk who were visiting Gabriola for the first time. So very grateful for my life here.

Billy Idol's Mony Mony started blasting on my car radio (because I had cranked up the volume). It aroused a visceral full-body, full-spirited memory of full-on rocking it, pounding the wooden floor within an exuberant crowd of others, all of us wearing loosened ski boots after an exhilarating day of skiing the Laurentian Mountains in Quebec.

This was my first-ever ski trip, which I signed up for as a rebound attempt from a heart-wrenching relationship breakup. It was working! I was joyful, liberated, every cell in my body lit up.

The song ended but my exhilaration lingered. I still felt the desire to rock and roll, dance my heart and soul full on.

The delight of my soul's desire to dance brought to mind Ben Wong's definition of passion: the pressure of the Soul to be expressed. I feel it! In fact, since I've recently turned 80 I am feeling the pressure more strongly than ever. So now what?

When I was young I didn't have time or the inclination to plan ahead. I was a teenage mother with two marriage break-ups in my 20s. Being a single mother, I poured everything I had into raising my two sons while carving out a career to make an adequate living.

During this era of my life there were many times when I felt exhausted, isolated and bewildered. I imagine many single mothers can relate to this.

Now I am keenly aware that there are a limited number of years left for me in this lifetime and at the same time feeling a strong sense of not being done yet.

There are days when I just want to lie on my couch with my cuddly cat companion Zach, eating popcorn and watching movies. My inner tyrant jumps into action telling me that I am wasting time and neglecting my responsibilities. This tyrant very skillfully provokes my guilt and my fear of dying as a bag lady. If this sounds like exaggeration I assure you it is not. This too is my soul work. My practice is to thank my ever-vigilant tyrant for fuelling my drive so productively through decades. I then assure them that the most compassionate action we can take now is to savour the satisfaction of resting in simple enjoyment. Ideally with a little less butter on the popcorn to keep my cholesterol under control.

Allowing myself these periods of rest often unfold into days like today when I feel this mighty pressure to adventure into fresh creation, fresh expression. I have yet, though, to click into the spark of inspiration that I imagine will satisfy my soul's longing.

Walking through the luscious forests and along the stunningly beautiful oceanside paths of Gabriola Island is my soul's nourishment. Then I settle. I am fulfilled. 'Being here now' is more than enough.

Then this pressure of my soul to be expressed surges again. My inner tyrant and I re-engage in our dance. Happily for me our dance is getting shorter and my ‘being here now’ is lasting longer.

I think of my beloved friend Maria Gomori, a passionate Hungarian powerhouse, who passed when she was 101. I experienced her spirit becoming stronger as her body declined. When she turned 80 she began thinking and talking with me frequently about her death. Her adventurous spirit continued to thrive. If there was a new course to take, an interesting conference to attend, a different experience to engage in, a different part of the world to experience, she was insistent on pursuing it. It was after her 80th that we had many adventures together, including travelling to places like Israel, South America, China. She had another 20 years of life to live, and she lived it full on. Her book, naturally, was titled Passion for Freedom.

Currently it is unimaginable for me to live another 20 years. My focus is on the next 10 years, living into my curiosity about what it is that my soul feels such pressure to express.

I am guessing that I am not alone with this question?

Sharing here one of my companion poems:

Slow Motion Prayer

by Emily Kedar

——————————

Get real quiet and listen in. Keep going.

You’ll notice before long, some small tendril

of desire wrapped around the minerals that make you.

Feel it pull up through your core, like a river of blue opal

laced through boulder stone.

Let the breath lift and dance you

as bending grass dances with fragrant wind.

We know that longing can hurt. But realize it matters.

Your longing is slow motion prayer.

Remember that the world too is longing for you

to get out of your own holy way, so raise yourself up,

hands open and heart first.

We live on the wild edge of death and birth.

It’s up to us to begin again.

Your belonging matters more than ever.

Every small dream of a thriving world

is one note in the new song,

one thread in the new story,

one cell in this earth body—

pulsing towards vitality.

From Google: Emily Kedar is a Canadian poet and psychotherapist whose work frequently explores themes of nature, animism, and inner growth. An award-winning writer, she has been published in journals such as The Malahat Review and The Bellevue Literary Review. She splits her time between Toronto and Salt Spring Island.